At a summer party today, I sat down and started talking to a friend expecting her first babe. And I realized that some things are never talked about, but should be. Because pregnancy is such a beautiful time for some people. But for others it is not. The combination of morning sickness and hormones can turn into a recipe for disaster.
My husband and I desperately wanted this baby. We didn’t know overwhelming depression would take over my body as soon as those baby hormones arrived. I found myself regretting the pregnancy. A feeling of intense guilt followed because we had tried for this child for YEARS. Sad seems like such a benign word compared to the actual feeling. I could barely force myself through my daily routine. Some days I couldn’t even do that much.
At twenty weeks pregnant, I sat in my little girl’s future nursery, slumped against the wall, and felt absolutely hopeless. The laundry and dishes had piled up, my business felt overwhelming, my children were unwashed and unhappy and I couldn’t stop crying. My sweet husband, while trying to calm me down, asked what I thought would help. All I could think was I wanted to be happy.
We ended up going to ’the happiest place on Earth’ the next week. Planning the trip, surprising my little children, taking lots of pictures and coming home with even more memories, really happy memories,carried me through the next few months. Disneyland didn’t cure my depression, but it gave me hope. For the next several months, I planned imaginary trips. I focused on the future (and taking care of myself!) and on the hope of being happy again. In the last few weeks of my pregnancy, the depression disappeared and soon the little bundle in my tummy arrived. Now I’m crying again, but it’s mostly happy tears.
I just want to share this because there aren’t many resources on antepartum depression, but it is a hard thing to tackle on your own. Depression during pregnancy doesn’t feel normal, it is intense, overwhelming, and destructive. And while this isn’t a happy post, it is. Because after the pregnancy is over, you have a beautiful baby. And I would do it all over again to get back to this.
I am not a robot – test
HUGS! Depression is so hard. I am glad you are better and have a gorgeous family to love.
Good info to share. I did not suffer this either before or after but there are others that do and you post speaks to the hope that exists. Glad she is here and that you are feeling more your old self. She is beautiful!!
So glad you shared this Amanda. I am well past those days but remember vividly a friend who suffered through this too. In the 70s there was not much known or shared about depression and she was left with no resources or support. Like you there was a happy ending but it was so hard to watch her struggle. I am glad you had the support of your family and friends. And we are all delighted to have the babe here safely and you back!
What a precious picture! I’m glad you shared this for the young mom’s. Sometimes the feelings are unexpected and it’s very hard. Glad your bundle arrived safely ; )
Extremely share worthy…thanks for your voice.
I experienced some postpartum depression with my first baby, but didn’t realize until your post that some suffer with antepartum depression. I’m so sorry. Depression is hard enough, but seems further complicated around the birth of a baby, when you know that you “should” be happy. I appreciate you sharing your story. It’s good to talk about this.
Oh my. I thought I was the only one that had experienced this! I’m currently 26 weeks along and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I thought it was just our super crazy lives, but deep down I’ve felt it was more. Thank you for sharing! I’m hoping and praying that I’ll have the same experience and it will all go away in a few months when the baby comes. Hopefully the other three kids and the house will survive until then. Thank you, thank you.
Thanks for sharing 🙂 I think us women feel like we have to be so many things, and it’s always comforting to know we’re not alone in our depression and feelings of inadequacy. *Hugs* You have a beautiful family and that little baby is just gorgeous. Much love to you!
Thank you for sharing your experience and I am glad that you are feeling much better. It is so common and not talked about enough. This Saturday is a nation wide event called climb out of the darkness. Women around the world participate by going for a hike outside on the longest day of the year to shine a light on PPD and related illnesses. 1 in 7 women will experience depression or anxiety during or after pregnancy. You can learn more info and see if there is an organized event in your area on this website: http://postpartumprogress.org/
Thank you for sharing your experience. It will help others feel less alone.
Amanda, thanks for sharing. This has been me the whole last year. I have 3 kids under 3 and this last one was a surprise. Depression came so quickly after finding out I was pregnant with my 3rd. I am sick my entire pregnancies. It is SO hard. But it’s even harder to not be able to talk to someone. I don’t think this is ever talked about because pregnancy should be happy. I think we think that to be depressed means we aren’t grateful to be having kids. But I think it would help if more of us opened up about it like you have. I thought no one felt like I did while pregnant. Some days I could barely make it through the day too. Some days, I sat in bed, completely comatose, only getting out to get my kids what they needed and then going straight back to bed while my kids played in my room with me. Seriously thanks for sharing. My pregnancy is over now too, and I feel much better, but I still needed this post. Thanks for opening up!!
Thank you.
SO thoughtful and brave of you to share. These are things women should talk about. Your words will touch someone who needs to hear them.
i know it’s over and this probably isn’t helpful, but you definitely aren’t alone. For me, hyperemesis brings on depression. It wasn’t until 2 weeks before my baby was born that I started to be ok with it. A strange feeling for something you do on purpose (get pregnant). Hugs, and I hope it stays away!
I didn’t even realize this was a thing. I basically just thought I was horrible for the feelings of frustration and anger I had when I found out I was pregnant. Sure we were “trying” because after 7 years hubs was sick of waiting… But I wasn’t ready for it to actually happen and had a really hard time dealing with it my entire pregnancy. Some days I would be happy for a little bit, but it would get replaced by sad.mad.bad feelings all too quickly. But to know this happens to other people, Omheck girl seriously I am trying not to cry and so happy you shared this. No one I know has had these feelings while pregnant and I felt judged by everyone I tried to discuss it with so I just stopped and fought it alone. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!
I suffered through antepartum depression with my last two babies. It is so hard. My mom sent me a text in the last week of my last pregnancy that said “I just wish you could be happy.” That made me feel even more alone, like she thought I was choosing the darkness. Mine didn’t lift until the babies were born. You are good to post about this — if we talked about our struggles more, no one would feel quite so lonely.
Congratulations on the birth of your little girl and the “return” of your happy feelings. Sharing is so important. Stigmas stay around if no one is willing to share and be open.
Thanks for sharing 🙂 It is always good to hear that we each have our own struggles and journeys even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface. Big hugs 🙂
Very true, Amanda. I’m amazed at how almost all of the exciting events in our lives (weddings, pregnancy, moving, starting a new business) are paired with unbelievably overwhelming and often discouraging emotions. I’m so glad that you were able to work your way through it and come out on the other side to find the joy.