Writing the last post of my #31daystohappy series is a little bit bittersweet. This month grew me in ways I never expected. Without realizing it, I had put myself in a box and only allowed my blog to be used to discuss quilting. Writing this all down brings me a sense of freedom I can’t explain.
Six months ago, I would never have shared any of this. My anxiety had me too afraid to put words on a page, fearing…. something. I’m honestly not sure what. Perhaps I feared judgement, or condemnation. Thank you all for responding so gently & sincerely.
Back then, my anxiety was out of control. Or perhaps I should say my anxiety was IN control – of everything. My life became a mess, from my business, to my home, to the thoughts and feelings in my head. Chaos & fear stole my freedom. I couldn’t even look at my daily to-dos without panic. Even little choices overwhelmed me. Life filled with dangerous ‘what ifs’ & anxiety became a literal disease causing a downward spiral. One day in passing, my husband, a huge fan of Tim Ferris, mentioned Tim made his bed each day because it was something he could control and point to once it was done as an accomplishment. I thought ‘I can do that’. So I started getting up and making my bed every day. It changed my world. My home immediately felt cleaner and I felt a sense of relief.
I had taken the first bite out of my anxiety. When I realized the difference this little change made, I started brainstorming other ways to improve my situation. With the vision of my goal fixed in my mind, I began tackling one thing at a time. I began cooking again, and doing my hair. I finished overdue projects started interacting with neighbors. One little daily activity at a time, I started reclaiming my life.
I looked to my business. It had become overwhelming. It was understaffed, but hiring had felt monumental after a few bad ‘breakups’. No path forward existed without help, so I literally forced myself to put up a listing and interview. With each little adjustment, our lives became sweeter, happier and ran smoother. Messy, trouble spots in my life began to wrap up. My relationship with my husband & kids improved. I started to be able to see the bright side & feel hope. The change wasn’t a coincidence, I made this happen. By taking small, daily steps, everything else seemed to be coming together. I can’t explain the confidence boost that realization gave me.
Soon we were going to the farmer’s market as a family, spending our evenings gathered around our dining room table talking about the events of the day, and I felt a spark of creative energy I hadn’t felt in nearly a year. We were living our lives again. The feelings of anxiety and depression hadn’t disappeared, but I began choosing to act instead of allowing my fear to paralyze me. I began behaving like the girl I meant to be.
Prompt 31 – #31daystohappy
Focus on just today. Make your bed this morning. Clean your sink tonight. Repeat that until it’s a habit. Focus on your little, daily ‘wins’. Use whatever energy you have to make life as sweet as possible. I remind myself all the time ‘sufficient unto the day are the evils thereof’. You can tackle tomorrow when it comes. And it will and if you focus on your todays, your tomorrows will become more manageable.
When I feel my feelings of dread and gloom enter and my mind stops functioning, I shift my focus to the moment I live in right now. What is happening around me right now? What is the reality? And then I act based on the factual answers. At first, this change felt monumental. In the middle of a panic attack, talking to your rational self doesn’t come easy. But with practice, you’ll find yourself turning to these thoughts before the panic attacks set in.
Thank you for following along on my #31daystohappy. It has been a joy to write these, such a pleasure to talk with you via comments & email. I feel privileged to have shared this. My blog will never be the same. From now on, I’ll be sharing more of my daily life, being more honest with you about how life really is. Of course there will be quilts (um, the free pattern I’ll be sharing next week is amazing! just saying….) and other small, easy projects. There will also be recipes & even outfit ideas. But the one thing this blog is about is finding joy in the everyday. I’ll continue sharing little prompts most days of the week and sharing how I fight the destructive feelings of failure, fear, discouragement, and separation.
Based on your comments, I feel like I’ve found a tribe of strong, resilient women who aren’t afraid to say ‘enough!’ Let’s prove the sky isn’t falling. Turn off the news. There’s nothing there worth listening to or reading. Grab your scriptures, your faith, and your dreams. Prove to yourself & the world that joy is available to everyone.
Thank you so much for reading along. I really can’t express my gratitude in words. It means so much you shared your hearts with me. If hugs can travel through the internet, consider yourselves hugged. Will you let me know below which of the days resonated with you the most? Your comments are like virtual hugs to me. It’s so nice to know I’m not talking to myself!
With all my heart!
Thank you! A big hug right back to you! Your first posts resonated with me and the one about forgiveness…well that was the one I need to hear the most and it helped me breakthrough some barriers in my own happiness. I have enjoyed connecting with you and each post! Well Done!
Hi Amanda 🙂
No, you are not talking to yourself, a lot of us have been reading and HEARING your words, but not writing, maybe because so many reasons… but not because we did not think about it. I didn’t want to take a change on missing returning the favor for the love and hope I got from you.
You have not idea how many of us are going through so many similar situations and it is good to not that there is somebody else that understand how it feels and is making some mark for finding the way out of this hole we got into. It is hard to fix ourselves sometimes, and sometimes all it takes is to share it with someone else. Sometimes the way out is not that short of a walk, but it is easier when you walk with somebody else.
I guess, at the end it is up to us, we have to choose to be kind to ourselves, and get the strength to leave our lives from that perspective. In rejoicing in the love we feel for our families, we can start to find a way to transform that love into happiness, and that happiness into the balm that can help healing the hurts in our being.
Thank you for bringing what make us human to the front.
Where has the time gone? I felt a little sad knowing the days were up, does that sound weird? Your posts have meant so much to me . They have helped me to understand what my daughter is going through, & has gone through. I’m sure you have helped so many others too. I hope your journey continues to be positive & you are supported when there are setbacks. Sending hugs.
Thank you for every one of these posts Amanda. Please know that what you have given us over this period is a truly priceless and multi-faceted gift. Keep writing and being true to who you are. It looks like it agrees with you as you look so well in these photos, and, more importantly you are honouring God by using all those skills and gifts he has given you instead of hiding them away. Thank you, thank you,thank you.
Excellent!!! That sums up your posts, honest writing, wording, meaning, so worthwhile and life altering!!! I am sharing with my friends, especially the ones who are struggling. Women need to connect with women, and you have done that and more!!! Opened up communication, allowed us to be real, thank you, thank you!!! And you are a beautiful woman, inside and out!!!
Love the posts. Love the overalls. Love that Abby is wearing the Liberty blouse that her grandma made. Love that you’re happy again and that you were able to share with others. Mostly I love you. And Weston. And your wonderful little people. Thanks for taking this big step to Better and Happier. And sharing it with the world. I’ve recommended your blog to so many people. I never realized how many people were struggling with this kind of anxiety. Our world is crazy. You have helped put it into perspective.